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| ok i figured id update... its been a crazy few weeks. christmas
was a blast! my papa came into town and then my sis brought the
hubby and nephews too! they were here for 4 days which was just
great... i love those kids! and the best part is IM FINALLY
LOGAN'S FAVORITE UNCLE!!!! me and brandon been havin this lil
"whos your favorite uncle?" thing goin with him and he finally says
me!!! that made me happy...
but ya, i had a gate at the bottom of the stairs so he couldnt wake me
up but my mom kept moving it every morning so i was up at 9... not too
bad except for that i go to bed usually 2-3am. caleb is ALMOST
walking already! he is 10 months old and is getting huge!
tori was in town for about a month. it was good to hang out with
her a lot too. she just called me and said "andy.... im boreddddd
come get me!!" hehe im too nice :P
then ryan came in town for the cotton bowl. aah... just like old
times. its nice to hang out with them cuz i can just cut loose
and say whatever and do whatever... its nice.
the cotton bowl was fun (except the outcome...) i rode out with
my dad, ryan, tori, and chris (my bro-in-law). mom rode with the
kristoffs in the other car. anyways, we got there and parked and
immediately bust out the beer! me and chris polished off 6 each
and ryan had a few... then during the game i sat with chris. ryan
and tori were in another section and my parents, kristoffs, taylors
were all 3 rows behind us. had a few more beers during the
game... and man... i was intense. there were SO many blown calls
that game. grrrrrr... all in all it was a good game. bama
hit the FG with clock expiring to win the game... it was an ugly kick
and i didnt think it went in at first but it did. we met up with
my uncles and cousins after the game cuz they had a camper spot and we
just chilled for a bit. then as we were leaving this guy from
tech ran up to the van and gave us 2 huge things of sausage and said
merry christmas. hehe he was drunk... but that was some good
sausage. then we went to humperdinks for grub and watched some of
the other games. it pissed me off cuz they showed a replay of
bama's touch down... and when he caught it his knee was on the
ground! but thats football...
other than watching football... havent done a whole lot. in about
30 mins im gonna go meet up with Caity and some other people for dinner
and im excited about that! so i gotta get ready.
love you all more than you will ever know!
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| well... its been a while so i figured id say somethin.
life has been going pretty good. snyder, bobby, danny all came
back so its good to see them all again. and at church sunday i
ran into Heather Williams... i havent seen her FOREVER. she is
still as hot as ever... it was good to talk to her.
went to lubbock this past weekend. it was alright. everyone
was gone except tori and matt... i went to see Karen's
graduation. that jerk finished in 3 1/2 years... she tryin to
make me look bad. so anyways, me and tori left sat after the
graduation (which took like 4 hours). i was disapointed no one
was still there... but hopefully i will get to see some people that
live around here over the break.
uum... my Papa (dad's dad) is in town for a while but he has bronchitis
so i gots to keep harassing him to take his meds and drink water.
stubborn old people. i love that guy :)
my sister is bringin the hubby and nephews tomorrow nite! im
excited... i gotta work on Caleb for favorite uncle since brandon
is still logan's... even though i play with him more and i got him all
those tickets at chuck e cheese 
thats about it... cept im taking my dad to houston for check up or
somethin to do with his cancer. its just a "dont let that shit
come back" sorta thing...
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| Its amazing how a half hour can make you feel so much better. I
went to mass this morning and I swear, it was a mass just for me!
The reading was the one about the shepherd that will leave his flock of
99 to seek out the 1 missing sheep. Father was saying that there
are 4 ways to interpret the scriptures and today he was talking about
one way (cant remember the name). This was a sort of spiritual
sense of interpreting it. He summed it up as basically this is
how Jesus will always seek out that one lost sheep to bring them back
and give their soul rest. Well, I have been that lost sheep for
some time now. The past few days I have been asking God to come
back into my life. I have been asking for God to come back into
my life the way He used to be. I used to feel this warmth and
love whenever I was at church or praying... Well that has been lacking
for a while now and today I felt it again as Father was talking!
I pray that this is me turning a corner.
I have been so lost in my life lately I don't even know which way is
up. I dropped out of school, quit my job, questioning everything
about my future and everything that I believe in. I have been
stressing myself out so much about everything that I have been having
panic attacks and anxiety attacks. That is why I quit
Target. But today was the first time in a long time that I feel
like things will work out!
I just thought I would share a GOOD entry for once since the last few have been kinda downers. LEAVE ME SOME LOVE!!!
I love you all more than you will ever know
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| Well... i am doing SOOO much better now. I think I just needed a
break from work and things. This past week was so awesome!
I didnt really do much of anything which was just what the Doctor
ordered!!
And what was really awesome was that my XP big bro Angelica came into
town! She was visiting me and Sofifi (another friend from XP) who
lives in Ft. Worth. Well we got to have dinner together friday
night. It was just great to see them again. I havent hardly
talked to anyone from Lubbock since i left and i really miss
everyone. I will be there Dec. 17 for Karen's graduation... so
hopefully not everyone left town by then!
Anyways, Jim and I are gonna go visit A&M and pick up bobby today. So i best get things done!
i love you all more than you will ever know
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| I realized something today.... i am living my life with my three biggest fears present.
Being forgotten. I have always been afraid that people forget
about me. That I mean nothing in others lives. That if I
were gone tomorrow, I would be forgotten and my life meant
nothing. I hate the feeling that everyone I love doesnt feel the
same way about me and unless I see them every day then they dont care
about me. I know that everyone has a life and all that... I just
wish that sometimes I would be on someone's mind and they would let me
know that they care and remember. Almost everyone here in Frisco
is gone. The ones that are left (except for one) dont even bother
with me. My friends around the area never talk to me
anymore. Lubbock has gone on without me. I dont know if I
can go back because so much has changed already. Even if I could,
which I doubt because I can't afford it and will just fuck up my grades
more than they are. Most days I think that even God Himself has
forgotten about me.
Being alone. I have never been this lonely in my entire
life. Mainly because I have no one to hang out with and those
that CAN dont want to hang out with me anymore. I just want to
find someone that I can love and will love me back. Is that too
much to ask?
Myself. I am so scared of myself. Some days I cant even
function at all. My anxiety has gone off the charts, the
depression is in full swing and I am just scared at what I am capable
of.
FDR said "When you get to the
end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
well what happens when you cut that rope? I'm just in freefall
right now. I just want to go home to the Father. I am so
exhausted of this life....and I dont know how much longer I can go on.
This is not a suicide note... I am not going to do anything stupid. I just need something and I have no idea what that is.
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